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PRESENTED liV 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 




THE FOX RETPE.VIED OUT OF RANGE" 



FABLES FOR THE 
FRIVOLOUS 

(With Apologies to La Fontaine) 
By GUY WETMORE CARRYL 

With Illustrations by Peter Newell 




NEW YORK AND LONDON 
HARPER 6 BROTHERS PUBLISHERS 

1904 



?S\2 

14- 



£# 






^MW***"* 



Copyright, 1898, by Harper & Brothers. 

All rights rcser-.ui. 



TO 

MY FATHER 



NOTE 

I have pleasure in acknowledging the courteous permission of 

the editors to reprint in this form such of the following fables as 

were originally published in Harper's periodicals, in Life, and in 

Munseys Magazine. 

G. W. C. 



CONTENTS 



The Ambitious Fox and the Unapproachable Grapes 
The Persevering Tortoise and the Pretentious Hare 
The Patrician Peacocks and the Overweening Jay. 
The Arrogant Frog and the Superior Bull . . . 
The Domineering Eagle and the Inventive Bratling 
The Iconoclastic Rustic and the Apropos Acorn . 
The Unusual Goose and the Imbecilic Woodcutter 
The Rude Rat and the Unostentatious Oyster 
The Urban Rat and the Suburban Rat .... 
The Impecunious Cricket and the Frugal Ant . . 
The Pampered Lap'dog and the Misguided Ass . . 
The Vainglorious Oak and the Modest Bulrush . 
The Inhuman Wolf and the Lamb Sans Gene . . 
The Sycophantic Fox and the Gullible Raven . . 
The Microscopic Trout and the Machiavelian Fisherman 
The Confiding Peasant and the Maladroit Bear . . . 



3 
9 

i'5 

21 

27 

33 
39 
45 
5i 
57 
63 
69 

75 
81 

87 
93 



CONTENTS 



PAGE 



The Precipitate Cock and the Unappreciated Pearl. . . 99 

The Abbreviated Fox and His Sceptical Comrades ... 105 

The Hospitable Caledonian and the Thankless Viper . . in 

The Impetuous Breeze and the Diplomatic Sun 117 



ILLUSTRATIONS 



" THE FOX RETREATED OUT OF RANGE" Frontispiece 

"HE STROVE TO GROW ROTUNDER" Facing p. 22, 

"AN ACORN FELL ABRUPTLY" " 34 

"SAID SHE, 'GET UP, YOU BRUTE YOU! 5 " " 64 

'" p admire; said he,' ton beau plumage'" . ... " 82 

"AND SO A WEIGHTY ROCK SHE AIMED" " 94 



THE AMBITIOUS FOX 

AND 

THE UNAPPROACHABLE GRAPES 



THE AMBITIOUS FOX 

AND 

THE UNAPPROACHABLE GRAPES 



A farmer built around his crop 

A wall, and crowned his labors 
By placing glass upon the top 
To lacerate his neighbors, 
Provided they at any time 
Should feel disposed the wall to climb. 

He also drove some iron pegs 

Securely in the coping, 
To tear the bare, defenceless legs 

Of brats who, upward groping, 

Might steal, despite the risk of fall, 

The grapes that grew upon the wall. 
3 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

One day a fox, on thieving bent, 

A crafty and an old one, 
Most shrewdly tracked the pungent scent 
That eloquently told one 
That grapes were ripe and grapes were good 
And likewise in the neighborhood. 

He threw some stones of divers shapes 

The luscious fruit to jar off : 
It made him ill to see the grapes 
So near and yet so far off. 
His throws were strong, his aim was fine, 
But " Never touched me!" said the vine. 

The farmer shouted, " Drat the boys!" 

And, mounting on a ladder, 
He sought the cause of all the noise; 
No farmer could be madder, 
Which was not hard to understand 
Because the glass had cut his hand. 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

His passion he could not restrain, 

But shouted out, " You're thievish!" 
The fox replied, with fine disdain, 
" Come, country, don't be peevish." 
(Now "country" is an epithet 
One can't forgive, nor yet forget.) 

The farmer rudely answered back 
With compliments unvarnished, 
And downward hurled the bric-a-brac 
With which the wall was garnished, 
In view of which demeanor strange, 
The fox retreated out of range. 

" I will not try the grapes to-day," 

He said. "My appetite is 
Fastidious, and, anyway, 

I fear appendicitis." 
(The fox was one of the elite 

Who call it site instead of seel.) 

5 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The moral is that if your host 
Throws glass around his entry 
You know it isn't done by most 
Who claim to be the gentry, 
While if he hits you in the head 
You may be sure he's underbred. 



THE PERSEVERING TORTOISE 

AND 

THE PRETENTIOUS HARE 



THE PERSEVERING TORTOISE 

AND 

THE PRETENTIOUS HARE 



Once a turtle, finding plenty 

In seclusion to bewitch, 
Lived a dolce far niente 

Kind of life within a ditch ; 
Rivers had no charm for him, 

As he told his wife and daughter, 
"Though my friends are in the swim, 

Mud is thicker far than water." 

One fine day, as was his habit, 

He was dozing in the sun, 

When a young and flippant rabbit 

Happened by the ditch to run : 
9 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

" Come and race me," he exclaimed, 
" Fat inhabitant of puddles. 

Sluggard! You should be ashamed. 
Such a life the brain befuddles." 

This, of course, was banter merely, 

But it stirred the torpid blood 
Of the turtle, and severely 

Forth he issued from the mud. 
" Done !" he cried. The race began, 

But the hare resumed his banter, 
Seeing how his rival ran 

In a most unlovely canter. 

Shouting, " Terrapin, you're bested ! 

You'd be wiser, dear old chap, 
If you sat you down and rested 

When you reach the second lap." 
Quoth the turtle, " I refuse. 

As for you, with all your talking, 
Sit on any lap you choose. 

/ shall simply go on walking/' 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

Now this sporting proposition 

Was, upon its face, absurd ; 
Yet the hare, with expedition, 

Took the tortoise at his word, 
Ran until the final lap, 

Then, supposing he'd outclassed him, 
Laid him down and took a nap 

And the patient turtle passed him! 

Plodding on, he shortly made the 

Line that marked the victor's goal ; 
Paused, and found he'd won, and laid the 

Flattering unction to his soul. 
Then in fashion grandiose, 

Like an after-dinner speaker, 
Touched his flipper to his nose, 

And remarked, " Ahem ! Eureka!" 

And the moral (lest you miss one) 

Is: There's often time to spare, 

And that races are (like this one) 

Won not always by a hair, 
ii 



THE PATRICIAN PEACOCKS 

AND 

THE OVERWEENING JAY 



THE PATRICIAN PEACOCKS 

AND 

THE OVERWEENING JAY 



Once a flock of stately peacocks 

Promenaded on a green, 
There were twenty-two or three cocks, 

Each as proud as seventeen, 
And a glance, however hasty, 
Showed their plumage to be tasty; 
Wheresoever one was placed, he 

Was a credit to the scene. 

Now their owner had a daughter 

Who, when people came to call, 

Used to say, " You'd reelly oughter 

See them peacocks on the mall." 
15 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

Now this wasn't to her credit, 
And her callers came to dread it, 
For the way the lady said it 
Wasn't recherche at all. 

But a jay that overheard it 

From his perch upon a fir 
Didn't take in how absurd it 

Was to every one but her; 
When they answered, "You don't tell us!" 
And to see the birds seemed zealous 
He became extremely jealous, 

Wishing, too, to make a stir. 

As the peacocks fed together 

He would join them at their lunch, 
Culling here and there a feather 

Till he'd gathered quite a bunch ; 
Then this bird, of ways perfidious, 
Stuck them on him most fastidious 
Till he looked uncommon hideous, 
Like a Judy or a Punch. 

16 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

But the peacocks, when they saw him, 

One and all began to haul, 
And to harry and to claw him 

Till the creature couldn't crawl ; 
While their owner's vulgar daughter, 
When her startled callers sought her, 
And to see the struggle brought her, 

Only said, "They're on the maul." 

It was really quite revolting 
When the tumult died away, 

One would think he had been moulting 
So dishevelled was the jay; 

He was more than merely slighted, 

He was more than disunited, 

He'd been simply dynamited 
In the fervor of the fray. 

And the moral of the verses 

Is: That short men can't be tall. 

Nothing sillier or worse is 

Than a jay upon a mall, 
17 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

And the jay opiniative 
Who, because he's imitative, 
Thinks he's highly decorative 
Is the biggest jay of all. 



THE ARROGANT FROG 

AND 

THE SUPERIOR BULL 



THE ARROGANT FROG 

AND 

THE SUPERIOR BULL 



Once, on a time and in a place 

Conducive to malaria, 
There lived a member of the race 
Of Ram Temporaria; 
Or, more concisely still, a frog 
Inhabited a certain bog. 

A bull of Brobdingnagian size, 

Too proud for condescension, 
One morning chanced to cast his eyes 
Upon the frog I mention ; 
And, being to the manner born, 
Surveyed him with a lofty scorn. 

21 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

Perceiving this, the bactrian's frame 

With anger was inflated, 
Till, growing larger, he became 
Egregiously elated ; 
For inspiration's sudden spell 
Had pointed out a way to swell. 

"Hal ha!" he proudly cried, "a fig 

For this, your mammoth torso I 
Just watch me while I grow as big 
As you— or even more so!" 
To which magniloquential gush 
His bullship simply answered "Tushl" 

Alas! the frog's success was slight, 

Which really was a wonder, 
In view of how with main and might 
He strove to grow rotunder! 
And, standing patiently the while, 
The bull displayed a quiet smile. 




'HE STROVE TO GROW ROTUNDER 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

But ah, the frog tried once too oft 

And, doing so, he busted ; 
Whereat the bull discreetly coughed 
And moved away, disgusted, 
As well he might, considering 
The wretched taste that marked the thing. 



The moral: Everybody knows 
How ill a wind it is that blows. 



THE DOMINEERING EAGLE 

AND 

THE INVENTIVE BRATLING 



THE DOMINEERING EAGLE 

AND 

THE INVENTIVE BRATLING 



O'er a small suburban borough 

Once an eagle used to fly, 
Making observations thorough 

From his station in the sky, 
And presenting the appearance 

Of an animated V, 
Like the gulls that lend coherence 

Unto paintings of the sea. 

Looking downward at a church in 

This attractive little shire, 

He beheld a smallish urchin 

Shooting arrows at the spire; 
27 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

In a spirit of derision, 
"Look alive!" the eagle said; 

And, with infinite precision, 
Dropped a feather on his head. 

Then the boy, annoyed distinctly 

By the freedom of the bird, 
Voiced his anger quite succinctly 

In a single scathing word; 
And he sat him on a barrow, 

And he fashioned of this same 
Eagle's feather such an arrow 

As was worthy of the name. 

Then he tried his bow, and, stringing 
It with caution and with care, 

Sent that arrow singing, winging 
Towards the eagle in the air. 

Straight it went, without an error, 
And the target, bathed in blood, 

Lurched, and lunged, and fell to terra 

Firma, landing with a thud. 
28 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

"Bird of freedom," quoth the urchin, 

With an unrelenting frown, 
"You shall decorate a perch in 

The menagerie in town; 
But of feathers quite a cluster 

I shall first remove for Ma; 
Thanks to you, she'll have a duster 

For her precious objets d'art." 

And the moral is that pride is 

The precursor of a fall. 
Those beneath you to deride is 

Not expedient at all. 
Howsoever meek and humble 

Your inferiors may be, 
They perchance may make you tumble, 

So respect them. Q. E. D. 



THE ICONOCLASTIC RUSTIC 

AND 

THE APROPOS ACORN 



THE ICONOCLASTIC RUSTIC 

AND 

THE APROPOS ACORN 



Reposing 'neath some spreading trees, 

A populistic bumpkin 
Amused himself by offering these 

Reflections on a pumpkin: 
" I would not, if the choice were mine, 
Grow things like that upon a vine, 
For how imposing it would be 
If pumpkins grew upon a tree." 

Like other populists, you'll note, 

Of views enthusiastic, 
He'd learned by heart, and said by rote 

A creed iconoclastic; 

33 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

And in his dim, uncertain sight 
Whatever wasn't must be right, 
From which it follows he had strong 
Convictions that what was, was wrong. 

As thus he sat beneath an oak 

An acorn fell abruptly 
And smote his nose : whereat he spoke 

Of acorns most corruptly. 
"Great Scott 1" he cried. "The Dickens!" too, 
And other authors whom he knew, 
And having duly mentioned those, 
He expeditiously arose. 

Then, though with pain he nearly swooned, 

He bathed his organ nasal 
With arnica, and soothed the wound 

With extract of witch hazel; 
And surely we may well excuse 
The victim if he changed his views: 
"If pumpkins fell from trees like that," 
He murmured, " Where would I be at ?" 

34 




"AN ACORN FELL ABRUPTLY 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

Of course it's wholly clear to you 
That when these words he uttered 

He proved conclusively he knew 

Which side his bread was buttered; 

And, if this point you have not missed, 

You'll learn to love this populist, 

The only one of all his kind 

With sense enough to change his mind. 

The moral: In the early spring 
A pumpkin-tree would be a thing 
Most gratifying to us all, 
But how about the early fall ? 



THE UNUSUAL GOOSE 

AND 

THE IMBECILIC WOODCUTTER 



THE UNUSUAL GOOSE 

AND 

THE IMBECILIC WOODCUTTER 



A woodcutter bought him a gander, 

Or at least that was what he supposed, 
As a matter of fact, 'twas a slander 

As a later occurrence disclosed; 
For they locked the bird up in the garret 

To fatten, the while it grew old, 
And it laid there a twenty-two carat 

Fine egg of the purest of goldl 

There was much unaffected rejoicing 
In the home of the woodcutter then, 

And his wife, her exuberance voicing, 
Proclaimed him most lucky of men. 

39 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

" Tis an omen of fortune, this gold egg," 
She said, "and of practical use, 

For this fowl doesn't lay any old egg, 
She's a highly superior goose." 

Twas this creature's habitual custom, 

This laying of superfine eggs, 
And they made it their practice to dust 'em 

And pack them by dozens in kegs : 
But the woodcutter's mind being vapid 

And his foolishness more than profuse, 
In order to get them more rapid 

He slaughtered the innocent goose. 

He made her a gruel of acid 

Which she very obligingly ate, 
And at once with a touchingly placid 

Demeanor succumbed to her fate. 
With affection that passed the platonic 

They buried her under the moss, 

And her epitaph wasn't ironic 

In stating, "We mourn for our loss." 
40 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

And the moral: It isn't much use, 
As the woodcutter found to be true, 

To lay for an innocent goose 
Just because she is laying for you. 



THE RUDE RAT 

AND 

THE UNOSTENTATIOUS OYSTER 



THE RUDE RAT 

AND 

THE UNOSTENTATIOUS OYSTER 



Upon the shore, a mile or more 

From traffic and confusion, 
An oyster dwelt, because he felt 

A longing for seclusion; 
Said he: "I love the stillness of 

This spot. It's like a cloister." 
(These words I quote because, you note, 

They rhyme so well with oyster.) 

A prying rat, believing that 

She needed change of diet, 

In search of such disturbed this much- 

To-be-desired quiet. 
45 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

To say the least, this tactless beast 

Was apt to rudely roister : 
She tapped his shell, and called him — well, 

A name that hurt the oyster. 

"I see," she cried, "you're open wide, 

And, searching for a reason, 
September's here, and so it's clear 

That oysters are in season." 
She smiled a smile that showed this style 

Of badinage rejoiced her, 
Advanced a pace with easy grace, 

And sniffed the silent oyster. 

The latter's pride was sorely tried, 
He thought of what he could say, 

Reflected what the common lot 
Of vulgar molluscs would say; 

Then caught his breath, grew pale as death, 
And, as his brow turned moister, 

Began to close, and nipped her nose! 

Superb, dramatic oyster! 
4 6 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

We note with joy that ol noXkoC, 

Whom maidens bite the thumb at, 
Are apt to try some weak reply 

To things they should be dumb at. 
The moral, then, for crafty men 

Is: When a maid has voiced her 
Contemptuous heart, don't think you're smart, 

But shut up — like the oyster. 



THE URBAN RAT 

AND 

THE SUBURBAN RAT 



THE URBAN RAT 

AND 

THE SUBURBAN RAT 



A metropolitan rat invited 

His country cousin in town to dine; 
The country cousin replied, "Delighted." 
And signed himself, " Sincerely thine." 
The town rat treated the country cousin 

To half a dozen 
Kinds of wine. 



He served him terrapin, kidneys devilled, 

And roasted partridge, and candied fruit ; 

In Little Neck Clams at first they revelled, 

And then in Pommery, sec and brut; 
5i 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The country cousin exclaimed : " Such feeding 

Proclaims your breeding 
Beyond dispute!" 

But just as, another bottle broaching, 
They came to chicken en casserole 
A ravenous cat was heard approaching, 
And, passing his guest a finger-bowl, 
The town rat murmured, "The feast is ended." 

And then descended 
The nearest hole. 



His cousin followed him, helter-skelter, 
And, pausing beneath the pantry floor, 

He glanced around at their dusty shelter 
And muttered, " This is a beastly bore. 

My place as an epicure resigning, 

I'll try this dining 

In town no more. 
52 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

"You must dine some night at my rustic cottage; 

I'll warn you now that it's simple fare : 
A radish or two, a bowl of pottage, 

And the wine that's known as ordinaire, 
But for holes I haven't to make a bee-line, 

No prowling feline 
Molests me there. 

"You smile at the lot of a mere commuter, 

You think that my life is hard, mayhap, 
But I'm sure than you I am far acuter: 

I ain't afraid of no cat nor trap." 
The city rat could but meekly stammer, 

"Don't use such grammar, 
My worthy chap." 

He dined next night with his poor relation, 
And caught dyspepsia, and lost his train, 
He waited an hour in the lonely station, 

And said some things that were quite profane. 

53 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

"I'll never," he cried, in tones complaining, 

"Try entertaining 
That rat again." 

It's easy to make a memorandum 

About THE moral these verses teach : 
De gustibus non est disputandum ; 

The meaning of which Etruscan speech 
Is wheresoever you're hunger quelling 

Pray keep your dwelling 
In easy reach. 



THE IMPECUNIOUS CRICKET 

AND 

THE FRUGAL ANT 



THE IMPECUNIOUS CRICKET 

AND 

THE FRUGAL ANT 



There was an ant, a spinster ant, 

Whose virtues were so many 
That she became intolerant 

Of those who hadn't any: 
She had a small and frugal mind 

And lived a life ascetic, 
Nor was her temperament the kind 

That's known as sympathetic. 

I skip details. Suffice to say 

That, knocking at her wicket, 
There chanced to come one autumn day 

A common garden cricket 

57 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

So ragged, poor, and needy that, 

Without elucidation, 
One saw the symptoms of a bat 

Of several months' duration. 

He paused beside her door-step, and, 

With one pathetic gesture, 
He called attention with his hand 

To both his shoes and vesture. 
"I joined," said he, "an opera troupe. 

They suddenly disbanded, 
And left me on the hostel stoop, 

Lugubriously stranded. 

"I therefore lay aside my pride 
And frankly ask for clothing. ,, 

"Begone!" the frugal ant replied. 
"1 look on you with loathing. 

Your muddy shoes have spoiled the lawn, 
Your hands have soiled the fence, too. 

If you need money, go and pawn 

Your watch — if you have sense to." 
58 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The moral is: Albeit lots 

Of people follow Dr. Watts, 

The sluggard, when his means are scant, 

Should seek an uncle, not an ant ! 



THE PAMPERED LAPDOG 

AND 

THE MISGUIDED ASS 



THE PAMPERED LAPDOG 

AND 

THE MISGUIDED ASS 



A woolly little terrier pup 

Gave vent to yelps distressing, 
Whereat his mistress took him up 
And soothed him with caressing, 
And yet he was not in the least 
What one would call a handsome beast 

He might have been a Javanese, 
He might have been a Jap dog, 

And also neither one of these, 

But just a common lapdog, 

The kind that people send, you know, 

Done up in cotton, to the Show. 
63 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

At all events, whate'er his race, 

The pretty girl who owned him 
Caressed his unattractive face 
And petted and cologned him, 
While, watching her with mournful eye, 
A patient ass stood silent by. 

"If thus," he mused, "the feminine 

And fascinating gender 
Is led to love, I, too, can win 
Her protestations tender." 
And then the poor, misguided chap 
Sat down upon the lady's lap. 

Then, as her head with terror swam, 
"This method seems to suit you," 

Observed the ass, "so here I am." 

Said she, "Get up, you brute you!" 

And promptly screamed aloud for aid: 

No ass was ever more dismayed. 
64 




" SAID SHE. ' GET UP. YOU BRUTE YOU ! ; 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

They took the ass into the yard 

And there, with whip and truncheon, 
They beat him, and they beat him hard, 
From breakfast-time till luncheon. 
He only gave a tearful gulp, 
Though almost pounded to a pulp. 

The moral is (or seems, at least, 

To be) : In etiquette you 
Will find that while enough's a feast 
A surplus will upset you. 
Toujours, toujours la politesse, if 
The quantity be not excessive. 



THE VAINGLORIOUS OAK 

AND 

THE MODEST BULRUSH 



THE VAINGLORIOUS OAK 

AND 

THE MODEST BULRUSH 



A bulrush stood on a river's rim, 

And an oak that grew near by 
Looked down with cold hauteur on him, 

And addressed him this way : " Hi 1" 
The rush was a proud patrician, and 

He retorted, " Don't you know, 
What the veriest boor should understand, 
That 'Hi' is low?" 

This cutting rebuke the oak ignored. 

He returned, "My slender friend, 

I will frankly state that I'm somewhat bored 

With the way you bow and bend." 
6 9 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

"But you quite forget," the rush replied, 

"It's an art these bows to do, 
An art I wouldn't attempt if I'd 

Such boughs as you." 

" Of course," said the oak, " in my sapling days 

My habit it was to bow, 
But the wildest storm that the winds could raise 

Would never disturb me now. 
I challenge the breeze to make me bend, 

And the blast to make me sway." 
The shrewd little bulrush answered, " Friend, 
Don't get so gay." 

And the words had barely left his mouth 

When he saw the oak turn pale, 
For, racing along south-east-by-south, 

Came ripping a raging gale. 
And the rush bent low as the storm went past, 

But stiffly stood the oak, 

Though not for long, for he found the blast 

No idle joke. 
70 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 



Imagine the lightning's gleaming bars, 

Imagine the thunder's roar, 
For that is exactly what eight stars 

Are set in a row here for! 
The oak lay prone when the storm was done, 

While the rush, still quite erect, 
Remarked aside, " What under the sun 
Could one expect ?" 

And the moral, I'd have you understand, 

Would have made La Fontaine blush, 
For it's this : Some storms come early, and 
Avoid the rush! 



THE INHUMAN WOLF 

AND 

THE LAMB SANS GENE 



THE INHUMAN WOLF 

AND 

THE LAMB SANS GENE 



A gaunt and relentless wolf, possessed 

Of a quite insatiable thirst, 
Once paused at a stream to drink and rest, 
And found that, bound on a similar quest, 

A lamb had arrived there first. 

The lamb was a lamb of a garrulous mind 

And frivolity most extreme : 
In the fashion common to all his kind, 
He cantered in front and galloped behind, 

And troubled the limpid stream. 

" My friend," said the wolf, with a winsome air, 

"Your capers I can't admire." 

75 



FABLER FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

" Go to !" quoth the lamb. (Though he said not where, 
He showed what he meant by his brazen stare 
And the way that he gambolled higher.) 

" My capers," he cried, " are the kind that are 

Invariably served with lamb. 
Remember, this is a public bar, 
And I'll do as I please. If your drink I mar, 

I don't give a tinker's 

He paused and glanced at the rivulet, 

And that pause than speech was worse, 
For his roving eye a saw-mill met, 
And, near it, the word which should be set 
At the end of the previous verse. 

Said the wolf: "You are tough and may bring remorse, 

But of such is the world well rid. 
I've swallowed your capers, I've swallowed your sauce, 
And it's plain to be seen that my only course 

Is swallowing you." He did. 

76 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The moral : The wisest lambs they are 
Who, when they're assailed by thirst, 

Keep well away from a public bar ; 

For of all black sheep, or near, or far, 
The public bar-lamb's worst! 



THE SYCOPHANTIC FOX 

AND 

THE GULLIBLE RAVEN 



THE SYCOPHANTIC FOX 

AND 

THE GULLIBLE RAVEN 



A raven sat upon a tree, 

And not a word he spoke, for 
His beak contained a piece of Brie, 
Or, maybe, it was Roquefort : 

We'll make it any kind you piease— 
At all events, it was a cheese. 



Beneath the tree's umbrageous limb 

A hungry fox sat smiling ; 
He saw the raven watching him, 
And spoke in words beguiling. 

" J' admire," said he, "ton beau plumage" 
(The which was simply persiflage.) 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

Two things there are, no doubt you know, 

To which a fox is used : 
A rooster that is bound to crow, 
A crow that's bound to roost, 
And whichsoever he espies 
He tells the most unblushing lies. 

" Sweet fowl," he said, " I understand 

You're more than merely natty, 
I hear you sing to beat the band 
And Adelina Patti. 

Pray render with your liquid tongue 
A bit from ' Gotterdammerung.' ' 

This subtle speech was aimed to please 

The crow, and it succeeded : 
He thought no bird in all the trees 

Could sing as well as he did. 

In flattery completely doused, 

He gave the "Jewel Song" from "Faust." 
82 




l " /' admire; said he, 'ton beau plumage'" 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

But gravitation's law, of course, 
As Isaac Newton showed it, 
Exerted on the cheese its force, 
And elsewhere soon bestowed it. 
In fact, there is no need to tell 
What happened when to earth it fell. 

I blush to add that when the bird 

Took in the situation 
He said one brief, emphatic word, 
Unfit for publication. 

The fox was greatly startled, but 
He only sighed and answered "Tut." 

The moral is : A fox is bound 

To be a shameless sinner. 
And also : When the cheese comes round 

You know it's after dinner. 

But (what is only known to few) 

The fox is after dinner, too. 
83 



THE MICROSCOPIC TROUT 

AND 

THE MACHIAVELIAN FISHERMAN 



THE MICROSCOPIC TROUT 

AND 

THE MACHIAVELIAN FISHERMAN 



A fisher was casting his flies in a brook, 

According to laws of such sciences, 
With a patented reel and a patented hook 

And a number of other appliances ; 
And the thirty-fifth cast, which he vowed was the last 

(It was figured as close as a decimal), 
Brought suddenly out of the water a trout 

Of measurements infinitesimal. 

This fish had a way that would win him a place 

In the best and most polished society, 

And he looked at the fisherman full in the face 

With a visible air of anxiety : 

87 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

He murmured "Alas!" from his place on the grass, 
And then, when he'd twisted and wriggled, he 

Remarked in a pet that his heart was upset 
And digestion all higgledy-piggledy. 

"I request," he observed, "to be instantly flung 

Once again in the pool I've been living in." 
The fisherman said, "You will tire out your tongue. 

Do you see any signs of my giving in ? 
Put you back in the pool ? Why, you fatuous fool, 

I have eaten much smaller and thinner fish. 
You're not salmon or sole, but I think, on the whole, 

You're a fairly respectable dinner-fish." 

The fisherman's cook tried her hand on the trout 

And with various herbs she embellished him ; 
He was lovely to see, and there isn't a doubt 

That the fisherman's family relished him, 
And, to prove that they did, both his wife and his kid 

Devoured the trout with much eagerness, 
Avowing no dish could compare with that fish, 

Notwithstanding his singular meagreness. 

88 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

And the moral, you'll find, is although it is kind 

To grant favors that people are wishing for, 
Still a dinner you'll lack if you chance to throw back 

In the pool little trout that you're fishing for ; 
If their pleading you spurn you will certainly learn 

That herbs will deliciously vary 'em : 
It is needless to state that a trout on a plate 

Beats several in the aquarium. 



THE CONFIDING PEASANT 

AND 

THE MALADROIT BEAR 



THE CONFIDING PEASANT 

AND 

THE MALADROIT BEAR 



A peasant had a docile bear, 

A bear of manners pleasant, 
And all the love she had to spare 
She lavished on the peasant : 
She proved her deep affection plainly 
(The method was a bit ungainly). 

The peasant had to dig and delve, 

And, as his class are apt to, 
When all the whistles blew at twelve 
He ate his lunch, and napped, too, 
The bear a careful outlook keeping 
The while her master lay a-sleeping. 

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FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

As thus the peasant slept one day, 

The weather being torrid, 
A gnat beheld him where he lay 
And lit upon his forehead, 
And thence, like all such winged creatures, 
Proceeded over all his features. 

The watchful bear, perceiving that 

The gnat lit on her master, 
Resolved to light upon the gnat 
And plunge him in disaster ; 
She saw no sense in being lenient 
When stones lay round her, most convenient. 

And so a weighty rock she aimed 

With much enthusiasm : 
"Oh, lor'!" the startled gnat exclaimed, 
And promptly had a spasm : 
A natural proceeding this was, 
Considering how close the miss was. 

94 




"AND SO A WEIGHTY ROCK SHE AIMED 



*r 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

Now by his dumb companion's pluck, 
Which caused the gnat to squall so, 
The sleeping man was greatly struck 
(And by the bowlder, also). 
In fact, his friends who idolized him 
Remarked they hardly recognized him. 

Of course the bear was greatly grieved, 

But, being just a dumb thing, 
She only thought : " I was deceived, 
But still, I did hit something!" 
Which showed this masculine achievement 
Had somewhat soothed her deep bereavement. 

The moral: If you prize your bones 
Beware of females throwing stones. 



THE PRECIPITATE COCK 

AND 

THE UNAPPRECIATED PEARL 



THE PRECIPITATE COCK 

AND 

THE UNAPPRECIATED PEARL 



A rooster once pursued a worm 

That lingered not to brave him, 
To see his wretched victim squirm 

A pleasant thrill it gave him ; 
He summoned all his kith and kin, 

They hastened up by legions, 
With quaint, expressive gurgles in 

Their oesophageal regions. 

Just then a kind of glimmering 

Attracting his attention, 

The worm became too small a thing 

For more than passing mention : 
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FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The throng of hungry hens and rude 

He skilfully evaded. 
Said he, " P faith, if this be food, 

I saw the prize ere they did." 

It was a large and costly pearl, 

Belonging in a necklace, 
And dropped by some neglectful girl : 

Some people are so reckless! 
The cock assumed an air forlorn, 

And cried, " It's really cruel. 
I thought it was a grain of corn : 

It's nothing but a jewel." 

He turned again to where his clan 

In one astounding tangle 
With eager haste together ran 

To slay the helpless angle, 
And sighed, " He was of massive size. 

I should have used discretion. 

Too late! Around the toothsome prize 

A bargain-sale's in session." 
ioo 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The worm's remarks upon his plight 

Have never been recorded, 
But any one may know how slight 

Diversion it afforded ; 
For worms and human beings are 

Unanimous that, when pecked, 
To be the prey of men they far 

Prefer to being hen-pecked. 

The moral : When your dinner comes 

Don't leave it for your neighbors, 
Because you hear the sound of drums 

And see the gleam of sabres ; 
Or, like the cock, you'll find too late 

That ornaments external 
Do not for certain indicate 

A bona fide kernel. 



THE ABBREVIATED FOX 

AND 

HIS SCEPTICAL COMRADES 



THE ABBREVIATED FOX 

AND 

HIS SCEPTICAL COMRADES 



A certain fox had a Grecian nose 

And a beautiful tail. His friends 
Were wont to say in a jesting way 

A divinity shaped his ends. 
The fact is sad, but his foxship had 

A fault we should all eschew : 
He was so deceived that he quite believed 

What he heard from friends was true. 

One day he found in a sheltered spot 

A trap with stalwart springs 

That was cunningly planned to supply the demand 

For some of those tippet things. 
105 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The fox drew nigh, and resolved to try 

The way that the trap was set : 
(When the trap was through with this interview 

There was one less tippet to get!) 

The fox returned to his doting friends 

And said, with an awkward smile, 
"My tail I know was comme il faut, 

And served me well for a while." 
When his comrades laughed at his shortage aft 

He added, with scornful bow, 
"Pray check your mirth, for I hear from Worth 

They're wearing them shorter now." 

But one of his friends, a bookish chap, 

Replied, with a thoughtful frown, 
"You know to-day the publishers say 

That the short tale won't go down ; 
And, upon my soul, I think on the whole, 

That the publishers' words are true. 
I should hate, good sir, to part my fur 

In the middle, as done by you." 

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FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

And another added these truthful words 
In the midst of the eager hush, 

"We can part our hair 'most anywhere 
So long as we keep the brush." 

The moral is this: It is never amiss 
To treasure the things you've penned : 

Preserve your tales, for, when all else fails, 
They'll be useful things — in the end. 



THE HOSPITABLE CALEDONIAN 

AND 

THE THANKLESS VIPER 



THE HOSPITABLE CALEDONIAN 

AND 

THE THANKLESS VIPER 



A Caledonian piper 

Who was walking on the wold 
Nearly stepped upon a viper 

Rendered torpid by the cold ; 
By the sight of her admonished, 

He forbore to plant his boot, 
But he showed he was astonished 

By the way he muttered " Hoot 1" 

Now this simple-minded piper 

Such a kindly nature had 

That he lifted up the viper 

And bestowed her in his plaid. 
in 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

"Though the Scot is stern, at least he 
No unhappy creature spurns, 

'Sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,'" 
Quoth the piper (quoting Burns). 

This was unaffected kindness, 

But there was, to state the fact, 
Just a slight soupcon of blindness 

In his charitable act. 
If you'd watched the piper, shortly 

You'd have seen him leap aloft, 
As this snake, of ways uncourtly, 

Bit him suddenly and oft. 

There was really no excuse for 

This, the viper's cruel work, 
And the piper found a use for 

Words he'd never learned at kirk ; 
But the biting was so thorough 

That although the doctors tried, 
Not the best in Edinburgh 

Could assist him, and he died. 

112 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

And THE moral is : The piper 

Of the matter made a botch ; 
One can hardly blame the viper 

If she took a nip of Scotch, 
For she only did what he did, 

And his nippie wasn't small, 
Otherwise, you see, he needed 

Not have seen the snake at all. 



THE IMPETUOUS BREEZE 

AND 

THE DIPLOMATIC SUN 



THE IMPETUOUS BREEZE 

AND 

THE DIPLOMATIC SUN 



A Boston man an ulster had, 

An ulster with a cape that fluttered : * 
It smacked his face, and made him mad, 
And polyglot remarks he uttered : 
" I bought it at a bargain," said he, 
"I'm tired of the thing already." 

The wind that chanced to blow that day 
Was easterly, and rather strong, too : 

It loved to see the galling way 

That clothes vex those whom they belong to : 

"Now watch me," cried this spell of weather, 

"I'll rid him of it altogether." 
117 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

It whirled the man across the street, 
It banged him up against a railing, 
It twined the ulster round his feet, 
But all of this was unavailing : 
For not without resource it found him : 
He drew the ulster closer round him. 

"My word!" the man was heard to say, 

"Although I like not such abuse, it's 
Not strange the wind is strong to-day, 
It always is in Massachusetts. 
Such weather threatens much the health of 
Inhabitants this Commonwealth of." 



The sun, emerging from a rift 

Between the clouds, observed the victim, 
And how the wind beset and biffed, 
Belabored, buffeted, and kicked him. 
Said he, " This wind is doubtless new here 
Tis quite the freshest ever blew here." 

118 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

And then he put forth all his strength, 

His warmth with might and main exerted, 
Till upward in its tube at length 
The mercury most nimbly spurted. 
Phenomenal the curious sight was, 
So swift the rise in Fahrenheit was. 

The man supposed himself at first 

The prey of some new mode of smelting : 
His pulses were about to burst, 

His every limb seemed slowly melting, 
And, as the heat began to numb him, 
He cast the ulster wildly from him. 

"Impulsive breeze, the use of force," 
Observed the sun, "a foolish act is, 

Perceiving which, you see, of course, 

How highly efficacious tact is." 

The wondering wind replied, "Good gracious! 

You're right about the efficacious." 
n 9 



FABLES FOR THE FRIVOLOUS 

The moral deals, as morals do, 

With tact, and all its virtues boasted, 
But still I can't forget, can you, 
That wretched man, first chilled, then roasted ? 
Bronchitis seized him shortly after, 
And that's no cause for vulgar laughter. 



THE END 







LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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